You’re lesbian vs I don’t want to end up like you

The amount of backlashes I am getting is indescribable. If I were to add up the bonus tit-bits of criticisms she is giving me, I don’t even know what pile of rubbish I will be getting. I really have no idea that I am the one who is giving her hurtful words and statements but the truth is, I don’t even bother giving any attention about what I say any more.

If she is going to find the little sarcastic words I am using in every line of our conversation, then there is no point in arguing to fight for my side. I just want to say that I am sincerely glad that she is taking my words seriously and not ignoring them like I did on hers. Anyway, I have already promised myself not to shed a tear on her words. I have enough of it and I do not want to have any bad thoughts at the back of my head again.

Be strong

Be forgiving

and share the love.

P.S. I know at some point, I have made some horrible mistakes that can’t be undone and I know the pain inflicted is something that can’t be easily forgotten. But I will change them all.  And a side prayer to God, please grant me a forgiving heart, that can pardon myself and her. I need to climb out of the walls in my heart first.

Be the Light

Everyday like a machine I wake up, automatically put on make-up
That kind of life has grown familiar to me,
since when have I been so satisfied with myself?
did I, after achieving my dream, indulge in it?
To live “comfortably”, “appropriately”, i swallowed the flames that had welled up to my throat
That’s right i’m quite disgusted with myself as well, the sharp knife has dulled
forming the wrinkles of my twenty year old self, i was afraid of such changes
If somebody could look inside my head, they’d probably mock me
smirking at the me who’s lost his path, I can I can hear my old friends laughin
Hey, but I just wanted to show what I got
All I ever wanted to do was rap, you said I’m a puppet, fuck I’m not
There’s too many of these countless, infinite thoughts in my head
Now I’ll put myself aside and wait for the endless waves of negativity
Yeah I’m a monster, once you become a monster you can no longer be a person
I can no longer be a human like the likes of you all,
even if that’s the very reason why people curse me
Whether I’m an artist, or an idol I don’t give a fuck this is my life
Whether it’s porridge or gruel, this is the meal I’ve prepared for myself

Don’t think about it too much too much too much
There’s no need for us to rush it through
Don’t think about it too much too much too much
This is more than just a new lust for you

The me who could only see deserts and seas is now looking up at the universe
The small child who thought the tiny studio was the whole world is only just peering outside
I thought it was a real, got no time to chill, no time nobody to get healed
Too many stars, too many dreams, the reality is in front of these things i’m just a speck of dust
Once i realized that the only thing i could do was more severely lock myself in
Tamper back my fury and press it down, more strongly hide myself away
Yeah I’m a fucking monster young idol fans hate me cuz Imma fucking monster
Hiphop fans hate me too cuz I’m a fucking idol rapper who can’t come to their concert
Yeah right? you’re happy now right? so how you doin bitches
I’m earning a lot of fucking money fine thank you and you bitches
Every interview I said to them, go find your happiness
but lately I get confused sometimes, whether i’ve found my own happiness
The fact that I’m making the music I want to make, saying the things I want to say
This is the moment i’ve been waiting for, now facing the dream i so desperately wanted
I definitely achieved my dream, but after the dream I find myself hesitating
with too many thoughts; i just showed the me that’s hungry for something

Don’t think about it too much too much too much too much
There’s no need for us to rush it through
Don’t think about it too much too much too much too much
This is more than just a new lust for you

Don’t think about it too much too much too much too much
Theres no need for us to rush it through
Don’t think about it too much too much too much too much
This is more than just a new lust for you

Let it go
Let it go
Let it go
Whatever it is

Breathing does not necessarily means I am living; and not acting like how a girl should be does not mean I am a lesbian. To tell the truth, it is not that I hate people touching me but it is just you. That expression you pull when you make that statement, I hate it so much. You always say that I am cold-hearted and that I have no intention of giving love to the people around me. But have you ever thought why I am like that?

The fact that I have to live to what you expect me to, I even swallow the flames that well up in my throat. It aches. I thought it would be my stomach that would be boiling but it was my heart that aches more. It hurt so much that sometimes breathing becomes so difficult.

Just because he has decided to leave house, does that mean I will follow his steps too?

Just because he has converted to Christianity and became slightly fanatic, does that also mean I am bound to be like that by nature?

I am quite disgusted at the lies I make in front of you too. Do you think I enjoy every bit of acting to be okay when I am not?

Please, I beg you, mum. Stop hurting me.